The Key to Longevity

My grandfather passed away last week, just shy of his 92nd birthday.  Over the years, he taught me copious critical principles about life - how to treat others; the value of family; what it means to be a strong person; and many other lessons that aided the building of my foundation.  But I think the most important thing I learned from my grandfather is what I've come to understand is the key to longevity, and that is this: 
 

Learn to amuse yourself.  

Life is really funny if you choose to view it that way.  So whoop it up.  Here are a few suggestions on how to do so.

Baby elephants do it like this.  Humans have to improvise.

(1) Play with your food.   If you love soy sauce, go ahead and take a swig straight from the bottle.  At restaurants, throw back those little creamers like they're shots.  Have fun with pancakes.  My grandfather made them shaped like bunnies.  Several years ago, when my father was engaged in fierce warfare against squirrels (they wouldn't stay off our bird feeders) and the one-sided battle was causing him to descend slowly into madness, my grandfather alleviated his angst by making him a pancake in the shape of a squirrel.  

I think chopping the thing into pieces and devouring it made Dad feel much better.  He may have even stopped shooting the squirrels at that point.

My sister, having clearly internalized our grandfather's teachings, 
imitates the face on her beet.

(2) Decide that something pretty common, like farting, is hilarious.  That way, everyday life will offer plenty of opportunities for hysterical laughter.  This guy almost brought about my grandfather's demise years ago:

I've never seen anyone laugh so hard.  Whenever my grandfather had to pull out his handkerchief to mop the tears from his face, I think he rolled his life clock back two weeks.  And he did that an awful lot.

One of his favorite Christmas presents

Christmas morning story time with the grandkids

(3) Recognize that the human face can do really fun things, and take advantage of that fact.

Stick pinwheels in a lady's hat, make a silly face, and call it good

Or, in lieu of a lady's hat, go with a paper crown and put napkin rings in your eyes

Show your appreciation for the nose hair-frying power of bourbon balls

(4) When playing games, kick ass and take names.  Don't give the younger generations any false sense of entitlement by letting them achieve victory, as annihilating those several decades younger than you can be particularly entertaining.
  

Here he is slaughtering me in dominoes

...and again

It's true my grandfather did other things that allegedly promote a long life, like watching his diet and staying active.  But my grandmother, on the other hand, eats nothing but ice cream, Goldfish crackers, grilled cheese, and chocolate, hasn't exercised since 1943, and is healthy as a horse.

Here she is realizing she doesn't have to do anything doctors recommend

And that's how I know the true key to longevity.  My grandmother understands that life is funny, and I believe that's what keeps her heart and mind going.  Clearly the nutrition/exercise crap is purely secondary.

Dogs v. Fleas

As I prepare to leave the west coast and move back to the time zone of my youth, I've been thinking about the friendships I'd like to cultivate in my new environment.  I've had lots of different friends over the years, many of whom fall into the wonderful FRIENDS! group (as in:  HOORAY FOR FRIENDS!), and others that have landed squarely in a category I've come to know as "friends" (when referring to these folks, I tend to make those little quotey signs with my fingers).

In my formative years, I clung to friends as one adrift at sea clings to a flotation device.  I believe this was due to my introversion.  I feared that, if I let a friend go, I would need to make a new friend...which would have meant speaking to people, and that prospect was wholly unpleasant.  So I worked diligently to hold onto all of my friends, even the super crappy ones.

These days, I realize there are worse things than being friendless (e.g., having crappy friends), and that the universe has provided a healthy distraction for introverts who don't want to deal with bad friends.  That distraction is called books.  Even the crappiest book is better than a crappy friend. 

After years of friendships, I've come up with a simple way to distinguish between good friends and crap friends.  Let's start with good friends, because that will fill us with warm, squishy feelings of happiness.

Good friends are like dogs.  They've got your back.  They've seen you at your best and worst, and they love you for all of it.  They may growl when you do something wrong, but they'll soon forgive your misstep.  They don't hold grudges.  And they get excited every time they see you.  

Maintaining a relationship with a good friend, as with a dog, isn't complicated.  The rules are simple.  With a dog, it looks like this:

• You provide food
• Dog provides protection (and/or cool tricks, general adorableness, etc.)
• Both parties provide walks and snuggles
• All is right with the world

Similarly, rules for good friends look like this:

• Listen to each other
• Laugh together
• Give a shit about each other's lives
• :)

See?  Easy peasy.  It's not rocket science, or phlebotomy, or any of those other things I know nothing about (which = lots of things).  I love my dog friends (and my dogs).  They make everything in life better.
 

Good friendships look like this.  Let's assume the dog's getting at least a little airflow.

Then there are crap friends.

Crap friends are like fleas.  They bite, and they suck.  They offer nothing besides a slow, steady reduction of your energy.  And once they've infested your life, it can be really hard to get rid of them. 

Interestingly, even though they're feeding off of you, fleas don't actually care about you, and they don't need to, because once you've been sucked dry or (best case scenario) managed to dislodge them, they simply find another victim to drain.  That's why, when flicking them off, you may want to consider aiming for a toilet bowl or open flame, thereby sparing any future, unsuspecting victims.

Given the stark contrast between these two species, it should be of no surprise that dogs and fleas don't have much respect for one another.  Fleas just want to drain dogs, and dogs want to obliterate fleas.  A Valley Girl would explain this phenomenon as follows:  "Dogs are all, 'You suck, fleas,' and the fleas are all like, 'Whatever, losers.'"

I've had flea friends, and I never want another one.  They are worse than useless.  Even after you successfully remove them, they leave itchy sores behind.  Therefore, I'm looking forward to cultivating dog-like companions in my new town.  But just to be on the safe side, I'll make sure to get myself a library card soon after my arrival, as libraries contain thousands of those marvelous alternatives to fleas.

In fact, I believe this could very well be my new BFF

A Matter of Perspective

In a training I used to run, I gave participants a scenario about a young woman who'd had her kids taken away by the state.  I asked trainees to read the description of this woman, then get into two groups to discuss the situation.  One of the groups was charged with making a list of the mother's strengths, while the other was responsible for listing her weaknesses.  When the trainees were done, we came back together as a large group to compare the lists.

Every time I led this activity, the result was the same.  As I documented the groups' examples of the woman's strengths and weaknesses, group members soon realized the intention of the exercise, and hands shot into the air.  "The lists are basically the same," a trainee would inform us.  "Everything on the weaknesses lists is also on the strengths list.  They're just worded differently."  It was true.  The weakness "Mom's only been clean for 2 weeks" became a strength with the wording "Mom's managed to stay clean for 2 weeks."  "She didn't go to college" turned into "She successfully earned her high school diploma."  Same facts.  Different perspective.  Strengths became weaknesses and vice versa depending on the viewer's chosen lens.

I do realize this isn't a new idea, and that most folks know that our chosen perspective defines our experience.  If we choose to see things in a positive light, we do.  If we choose to see everything through a lens covered in crap, then everything looks crappy.  One man's beautiful ocean is another man's toilet bowl.  To a great extent, our world doesn't define us.  We define our world.

Presently, for instance, a 65-pound dog is strewn across my lap, making it very difficult to type.  I could be thinking: 

A.  This dog is crushing me
or... 
B.  The way he's making me type, my arms are falling asleep
thus concluding that...
C.  This sucks.
 
But instead I'm thinking: 

A.  Wow, my lap is really warm
and...
B.  This dog is ridiculously adorable
therefore...
C.  This rocks.
 
These days, my favorite example of perspective-choosing is FTW (Fuck the World) vs. FTW (For the Win).  I'm getting ready to move across the county in a few months, and as I wander around rainy Portland, contemplating the fact that my little family will soon be without income, housing, insurance, or any other traditionally stabilizing factors, I find myself thinking: FTW?  

Or...FTW!

Hooray!  The blue dog with glasses is the winner!

I think I'll go with the latter.  It's sure to be more motivating, and less likely to drive me to drink.

Surprisingly, in writing this post, the internet totally supported my perspective-shifting efforts.  When I did a Google Images search for "FTW fuck the world," this is one of the images that came up:

There was absolutely no explanation for it, either.  The caption was simply:  "The cutest dog in the world."  It's as if the internet was saying, "Aw, why are you searching for that?  You clearly need to see a picture of a poof ball puppy." 

And the internet was right.  Thanks for the puppy, Al Gore...or whoever's in charge of this thing these days.