Your Bumper Sticker Hurts My Brain

I know I should not let stupid people enrage me.  When I'm confronted with this type of person, I should simply allow myself to smile and think, "Oh, well...another stupid person," or, "Tra la la...look - a squirrel!" or just think nothing at all, like most people seem to do.


However, some stupid people insist on flagrantly displaying their mental deficiencies in the form of bumper stickers so infuriating that I must use every anger management skill I've ever learned, taught, and/or heard of to keep from ramming the offender's car.


Example #1:  THANK GOD YOUR MOTHER WAS PRO-LIFE


Um...excuse me?  My mother is pro-choice, thank you very much, and she CHOSE to have me.   [Good choice, Mom!]  


Oh, and by the way, fuck you.  People as dumb as you have no right to talk about my mom.


Example #2:  ABORT OBAMA


Abort...Obama?  What?  Okay, I'm going to go ahead and assume that this guy (I know he's a guy, because I saw him) is a right-wing, "pro-life"/pro-war & pro-death-penalty Obama-hater.  But must he also reveal himself as a complete ignoramus with no understanding of human biology?  Abort Obama indeed.  This guy probably also believes that oral sex can lead to pregnancy.

Lately, as I've been driving around noticing incredibly stupid bumper stickers plastered on the stupid cars of stupid people, I've begun dreaming up my own equally stupid bumper stickers to enter the fray.  Here is but a small selection:


SAVE THE MOSQUITOS


The Earth Is Mine To Destroy


My Other Car Is A Team of Slave Children


LIFE CAUSES CANCER


Spotted Owls Can Suck It


Jesus Would Want You To Abort That Thing


Not All Who Wander Are Interesting


Reading Is For People Who Can't Get Laid


God Is An Asshole


Support Your Local Meth Dealer


Beelzebub Is My Co-pilot


Casey Anthony Was Framed


Please feel free to add any of these lovely slogans to the rear of your car.  Doing so would certainly be a great way to end up with one of these:

Resolution Devolution

The New Me

Every year since the 7th grade, I have owned, meticulously updated, and carefully followed a daily planner.  In these planners, I've written all educational, professional and personal tasks & appointments in obsessive detail.  Over the past 20+ years, I've often wondered how my life would proceed if my planner were ever lost, destroyed, or stolen.


Several weeks ago, I was headed to an appointment in downtown Portland, and I put my planner in my bag.  The following day, my bag was stolen out of my car.  Because I was (a) completely freaked out about potential financial repercussions, and therefore focused on debit/credit cards & my cell phone, and (b) on summer break, with very few appointments/responsibilities to keep track of, it took several days for me to remember that the planner had also been in the bag.


When I realized that fact, my soul morphed into this:

LIFE NOW ENDS

However, after approximately 38 hours of completely freaking out (and failing to locate a replacement planner that was acceptable, with each day broken down into 15-minute increments), I realized that I had been granted an opportunity to make a change in the way I manage my life.  I determined that I would not purchase a replacement planner, and, more importantly, I made a resolution to be less organized.

An excellent point!

This is one example in my recent trend of making devolutionary resolutions.  Lately, I have decided that it is not in my best interest to be a with-it, helpful, positive, contributing human being.  Therefore, I am now striving to be more of a schlub.  This seems like a much more rational and convenient approach towards life.


Organization is something I've been painstakingly dedicated to for the majority of my conscious existence.  And after 36 years, I have found that being obsessively organized has had no truly positive effect on my life.  I suppose one could extrapolate from the well known patience maxim, inserting a different virtue, and determine that "organization is its own reward," but in reality, organization simply leads inevitably to the curse of competence.  For those of you unfamiliar with that phenomenon, it manifests itself much like this:


Competent Person:  I'm going to do my job well.  I'm going to meet all of the conditions of my job description and do the best I can at all things at all times.  I'm going to have impeccable follow-through and make sure to do everything I say I'll do.


Competent Person's Coworker:  Really?  Sweet!  Here - do all of my work, too!


Competent Person's Supervisor:  Woo hoo!  Someone to pick up all of my slack!  I can start working 20-hour weeks!


[5 years later]


(Written on gravestone)
R.I.P. Competent Person
You Tried Your Best
Sucker


The thing is, folks, being overly organized and conscientious simply does not pay off.  At all.  Ever. It doesn't win you any bonus prizes, early retirement, super cool friends, amazing sex, or luxury vacations.  Essentially what being organized earns you is additional work, most often other people's.  Therefore, I'm giving it up.  I'm ready to show up late, double book, and overlook tasks I've previously committed to.  Oh, and I am also looking forward to passing the buck.  I haven't tried that out before, and it sounds pretty awesome.

Here I am practicing

Another devolutionary resolution I've been working on lately is doing what I want without bothering to explain myself.  This is a tough one, primarily because of how I was raised and the resultant internalized mechanisms of personal accountability, but also because I live on the West Coast, where people are wicked fucking sensitive.  When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me I was too sensitive.  However, compared to the inner workings of West Coast folks, I believe my childhood emotional state was forged from solid steel.


The difference between East and West Coasters became apparent to me when I had my first supervisory position (in California) and needed to intervene with an employee who wasn't meeting his job responsibilities.  My supervisor explained to me how to talk to him about his deficiencies in a way that wouldn't hurt his feelings, and for the first time I learned about a technique that I now refer to as "sandwich supervision."  

No, don't eat it.  Supervise it.

Sandwich supervision is when you take your critique of a person, which is the whole reason you've initiated a conversation with said person in the first place, and sandwich it snugly between two points of praise.  The hope is that the person being reprimanded, after receiving two confidence-boosting declarations, will be able to hear and learn from the strategically inserted point of criticism without becoming defensive and shutting down. 


Here is an example of sandwich supervision:  "David, I really appreciate your highly professional hygiene.  You smell great!  I also need to let you know that smoking crack with your clients...well, it's probably not a good idea.  You know, since you're their addiction intervention counselor and all.  So maybe try to work on that piece.  Oh, and I also wanted to let you know that you were very punctual last Tuesday!  Nice job!"


I am so done with that bullshit.  Sorry, folks, but from now on, I'm just telling it like it is.  No more sandwich supervision or sugarcoating anything.  In the future, all Davids are gonna get it, just like this:


"David, you smoke crack with the clients.  You are fucked.  I'm calling the cops.  Oh, and I have a gun."


So despite the fact that this devolutionary resolution does not mesh with West Coast functioning at all, I have still resolved to stop making excuses or providing explanations when I just don't feel like doing something, like attending a random party or going to get drinks with people I hardly know.  The fact is this:  I am antisocial.  Over the past few years, I've become comfortable with that, despite the fact that a friend once told me that I'm an asshole for feeling that way.  Well...fine.  I'm an asshole.  At least I'm honest about it.

I don't wanna play with you.  Get over it.

In the past, when attempting to avoid a social gathering, I would create elaborate explanations like, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I've had a really tough week at work, and my sister's having problems with her new house and needs me to call her tonight, and the pets are sick, and blah dee flur dee floo," but now when I don't want to do something, I just say, "No, thanks."  Whew!  It's so liberating!  I've also taken to leaving parties "French-style," which means leaving without saying goodbye to anyone.  It rules.


In conclusion, guys and gallies, I must admit that I am enjoying the prospect of devolving as a human being.  However, I suppose there is some concern that, by the age of 50, I will greet people at the door by punching them square in the face.  When that happens, I ask that you please remember the 35 years when I chose to rise above the fray, and consider posting my bail.  


Thanking you in advance...

Aw, fuck it.  Where's that blue dye??

Combos of Doom

Recently I thought back on why I started writing this blog in the first place, and when I remembered the intentions were to decrease my weirdness (i.e., talking to myself) and increase my magnanimity, I actually burst out laughing.  As far as talking to myself is concerned, I'm doing it as much as, if not more than, ever before.  And clearly, if you've been reading these posts, you have realized that my attempts at being magnanimous have been subtle at best, and completely nonexistent in reality.


So I have returned to the place I frequently come to whenever I make some attempt at self-improvement, which is simply accepting who I am.  I am a crazy, talking-to-myself, evil person who enjoys picking humanity apart in order to point out all of the imperfections and laugh at them mercilessly.


That being said, this post will be devoted to what I have identified as three of the most unfortunate human personality trait combinations.  If you can help it, try your best to avoid people who match these descriptions.  And if you are one of these people, please feel free to enlist in the Space Pod Relocation Program as quickly as possible.

Just to get you in the mood for unfortunate combinations...

#1 Narcissism + Anarchy = The Narcichist

"No rules!  Except mine!"

Oh, yes, we have all met this blowhard jerkoff.  The Narcichist is anti-everything except for his (or her, I suppose, although let's face it - this dude is usually a dude) particularly rigid way of doing things.  He has figured out how everything in the world works, based on his singular experience, and has now generalized his personal mode of operation to apply to every other human being alive.  


If you don't subscribe to the rigid credo of his particular brand of "anarchy," then you are considered a submissive follower, a square, and a loser (since another sign of his brazen lawlessness is labeling and openly mocking anyone who doesn't agree with him).  This guy will also try to mask his cruel comments by stating he's "just being honest."  Look, Pal - do not equate being judgmental and rude with being honest.  Honestly is a virtue.  You're just a dick.


#2 Stupidity + Arrogance = The Stupogant

In spite of the fact that they are complete idiots, Stupogants believe they have the right to be in charge of everything.  They also have no doubt that their opinions, as ludicrous, short-sighted and illogical as they may be, are actually tried-and-true facts.  Most commonly due to patterns of structural privilege and social dominance, these folks have had the world handed to them on a silver platter to do with as they wish, and they believe this has occurred because they are superior beings, or God has chosen them, or some other such nonsense.


When this unfortunate combination is coupled with any sort of real or perceived power (e.g., a Stupogant is elected to office), the consequences are especially hellish.  The Stupogant is incapable of self-reflection or long-term thinking, shuns research and education, and believes that smirking, mocking, yelling, name-calling, and bombing are sufficient and appropriate rebuttals when faced with any form of opposition.  


You can thank this combo for the majority of human-on-human acts of violence.


#3 Pretension + Pathetically Low Self-Esteem = The Prethetic

"Worst.  Post.  Ever."

Imagine plodding your way through life, experiencing no successes or positive regard, and consistently wallowing in self-pity, angst, worthlessness, and despair.  After years of this plodding & wallowing, you determine that everyone hates you, and that they probably have a point.


Now picture that you discover one particular subject area in which you possess some sort of innate talent.  You study this subject obsessively.  After establishing a level of expertise, you then decide, for the sake of creating an initial shred of ego strength, that said subject area is the only important thing in the world.  [Examples of these areas of proficiency might include:  computer technology; French philosophy; video games; modern art; organic gardening; or show dogs.]  


This is not to say that there's anything wrong with mastering any particular subject.  However, when extreme proficiency is matched with cripplingly low self-esteem, that's when the pretension factor rears its ugly head.  When a person's fragile sense of self is completely tied to the public's acknowledgement of his or her expertise in a particular area, you will find that he or she will gleefully shower contemptuous condescension and general snarkiness all over anyone who demonstrates less mastery in that area.

Where Prethetics send the next generation to be trained

Woe to the poor Narcichist, Stupogant, and Prethetic, and woe to you if you happen to end up engaged in a debate with any of these folks, because it may last for hours.  If you find yourself in this situation, your best course of action may be to fake a seizure.


Or just pull one of these: