The Most Terriblest Day

Sometimes I feel like the entire universe is conspiring to depress me, and I think that's very rude.

"Screw you, Al.  Fond regards, The Universe"

Since I am currently dealing with that very phenomenon, to help myself feel better I've decided to create a hyperbolically awful day.  I am hopeful that this process will remind me that things could be so much worse and therefore will improve my mood dramatically.

Let the terrible day begin!

You wake up late due to an overnight power outage that screwed up your alarm clock.  You jump out of bed and step straight into a pile of cat barf.  Hopping into the bathroom on one foot, you lose your balance and fall, hitting your hip on the toilet and smearing cat barf all over the floor and bath mat.  After cleaning up the floor and putting the mat into the laundry, you take a shower.  While you're showering, you look up and discover that the ceiling above you is covered in black mold.  The hot water runs out right after you've finished shaving one leg.

There are hardly any coffee grounds left, but you don't have time to stop for coffee before work, so you just use what you have and hope for the best.  Your coffee ends up looking like dirty dishwater and tasting like nothing.  While you're lamenting that fact, you burn your breakfast which sets off the smoke alarm.  The shock of the earsplitting sound inspires your cat to barf again.  Your housemate comes out of her room and, in a very loud voice, informs you that you are inconsiderate, obnoxious, and practically impossible to live with.  She also lets you know that she hates your cat.


When you get to work, the parking lot is full.  You have to park 5 blocks away.  As you limp to the office (due to the hip injury you received in the bathroom), a passing car hits a pothole full of filthy road water and soaks you.  As you yell after the motorist, some of the water drips off of your hair and into your mouth.


Work sucks.  No one appreciates anything you do.  Your hard drive crashes.  No one cares.  When you tell your coworkers about it, they just tell you about times in the past when their hard drives crashed and how those experiences were much worse than what you're currently going through.

Narcissistic jerks!

When the work day is finally over, you step out of the office into a spontaneous, torrential downpour.  After you trudge the 5 blocks to your car, you realize that you parked in a 1-hour zone, thereby earning yourself a parking ticket which monetarily eliminates 3 hours of the work you just did.

Nooooooooo!!!!!

The drive home is a perfect shit storm.  There is gridlock traffic, which offers you ample time to hear lots of songs reminiscent of past break ups, tragedies, and dreams never realized.  You witness a cat getting hit by a car.  One of your front speakers blows out.  You stop off to get your favorite dinner as a pick-me-up, but that meal has been removed from the restaurant's menu "due to lack of interest."  After you eat a pathetic, disappointing alternative dish, you return to your car to discover that your window's smashed and your stereo has been stolen.

At least this negates the speaker blow-out issue

You call the police, and it takes them an hour to send an officer to take your report.  When the officer arrives, he laughs at your crappy car and remarks that the stereo "couldn't have been worth more than twenty bucks, anyway."  Since it's raining, the interior of your car is soaking wet, and you endure a windowless, cold, soggy drive home.  When you're about ten minutes away from your house, the rain turns to hail.  


When you arrive home, ready to collapse into a miserable heap on the couch, your housemate decides that now would be the perfect time to bring up issues regarding your lack of responsibility with dishwashing and completing other household chores.  Since you (a) can't remember the last time your housemate washed a dish, and (2) have had a really shitty day, you shout at her and call her a hypocritical asshole.  She proceeds to start crying and tells you that she just found out her dad has cancer.


Your cat then begins running around the house barfing.  The dog runs after the cat, eating the barf, which makes you want to barf, so you yell at the dog, who then cowers and looks at you like this:

How could you be so cruel??

You decide to go to bed early in an attempt to end this day.  When you pull back the covers to get into bed, you see 3 fleas jump off the sheets.  You proceed to stay up for most of the night, scratching, twitching, and only briefly falling into bouts of anxiety-dream-ridden sleep.

Wait...WHY did I go shopping naked again?

All right, that worked.  I do feel better.  Compared to all of that, my life is going just swimmingly.  Hooray for downward social comparison!