We all know when a sentence begins that way, it's time to prepare for something bad. Those types of statements never seem to turn out well for the listener. "I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but..." "No offense, but..." "You know I've always tried to be faithful, but..."
I do love Portland. As American cities go, it rocks pretty hard. BUT...there are things about Portland that drive me totally cuckoopants, namely:
#1 - Portlanders Don't Dance
They don't. It's as if they are allergic to dancing; their throats will close up and they'll die if they uncross their arms and move their bodies in any sort of a rhythmic fashion. I don't get it. Portlanders clearly love other joyous activities, like eating delicious food and appreciating nature, but dancing is a huge no-no.
The fact that Portlanders don't dance does not, however, keep them from occupying every square inch of the dance floor at any given live music event. Okay, kids, here's a hint: it's called a DANCE floor, not a stand-stock-still-like-a-fucking-statue floor. It's annoying enough being the only person dancing without having to try to maneuver around a bunch of rigid, totem-pole-like bodies.
So here's some advice, PDX folks: if you like music but don't want to dance, how about just staying home to listen to music & read a book? And if you really feel the need to go out and see live music but have no intention of dancing, try standing against the wall. Don't stand on the dance floor. That floor is there for dancing purposes. And just so you know, standing with your arms crossed while you stare at people performing for you and (maybe) slightly bob your head does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a dorkus malorkus. You disappoint me, Portland. Shake your fucking booty already.
#2 - Excessive Apologizing
"I'm sorry," seems to be every other sentence that comes out of Portlanders' mouths. On rare occasions, these folks are apologizing for an actual slight, but usually they are apologizing for absolutely nothing. "Oh, I'm sorry. I think I might have done something, or might do something, that could perhaps offend or bother you in some way, shape, or form. I'm sorry again. Am I apologizing too much, or with not enough fervor? I'm sorry for that, too. I am so, so sorry."
What the fuck? Shut up and stop apologizing, or I'll give you something to apologize for. Okay, that didn't make any sense, but hopefully you get the point. If you're going to apologize, first do something worthy of an apology. That way at least you'll get to have some fun.
#3 - Stupid Dog Owners
You know I love dogs, but I do not love stupid dog owners. Portland is rife with them. It's very simple: if you do not have 100% voice control over your dog (and I can pretty much guarantee that you don't), said dog should not be off-leash. Period.
I have a psychotically dog-aggressive dog. Let's call her Cujo. Cujo goes for a long walk everyday, and, even though I never walk Cujo in any off-leash dog areas, pretty much everyday we get approached by at least one off-leash dog. When I see the dog approaching, I lift Cujo into the air by her harness and call to the dog's owner to let him/her know that I have an aggressive dog. And then a conversation much like this occurs:
Dog Owner: Oh, don't worry. My dog is really friendly.
Me: Okay, but my dog is aggressive.
Dog Owner: My dog is sweet. He wouldn't harm a fly.
Me: [internally: I hate you, you stupid person.] My dog is aggressive. Do you see how she's thrashing around like a fish on a line? She wants to kill your dog.
Dog Owner: Oh, okay. Come here, Bingo! Come! Bingo!
[Bingo doesn't listen. Bingo continues trying to get to Cujo, because Bingo has no survival instinct.]
Cujo (thrashing madly): [internally: PUT ME DOWN! I DESPERATELY NEED TO KILL THIS DOG!]
Dog Owner: Bingo! Come here, boy!
[Bingo doesn't listen. He continues trying to get to Cujo, who is now whirling in the air like the Tasmanian Devil.]
Dog Owner: Oh, just let her bite him. It'll teach him a lesson.
Me: I don't want my dog to bite your dog. Could you please just come get him?
Dog Owner (unmoving): Okay. Bingo! Come here, boy! Bingo!
ARGH. It's unbelievable to me how often this happens. Get a clue, folks. Your out-of-control, off-leash dog is a danger to itself, other dogs, and people. Having to leash your dog isn't the end of the world and will keep all of us a whole lot safer. Especially you, because one of these days, I'm just gonna snap.
#4 - The Weather
I don't even want to talk about it. I'll start crying.
#5 - Too Many White People With Too Much Facial Hair Spending Too Much Money Trying To Look Homeless
Other than that, Portland, I love ya. Rock on, all you hipster, bike-riding, PBR-swilling, vegan weirdos.
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