Repelling Females 101

During a mile-long walk earlier today, two different strangers saw fit to bless my passage by blasting their horns.  Unfortunately, these honks did not stem from benevolent honking intentions, such as: 

(a) Offering a warning (e.g., "An anvil is about to fall on your head!" or "You've wandered off the sidewalk and into oncoming traffic!  Correct your trajectory posthaste!")

(b) Calling attention to an unexpected friend sighting (e.g,, "Hey, I know you!  Look at us - you're walking and I'm driving!  Ha ha - whee!  Surprises are fun!")

No, these honks emanated from the Department of Hay, Bay-Bee!  If you exist on this planet, you are likely familiar with that type of honk.  The honker honks to attract a woman's attention, although it's unclear why, as the honker then whooshes by at top speed.  (But please don't think I'm suggesting it's a better idea to slow down and talk to the woman, even though that sometimes elicits hilarious results.  A friend of mine loves to tell a story about a guy who slowed his car to catcall her and, not watching where he was going, proceeded to drive straight into a pole.  She still cites that as one of the best days of her life.)

Today's honking experience made me think it's time for a tutorial about effective ways to make oneself utterly repellant to women.  Here are but a few.

#1 - Honking
 

...and females will think you're a douche.

When I'm strolling along peacefully and suddenly find myself attacked by an explosive blast of noise emanating from a nearby speeding vehicle, my heart jumps into my throat.  This experience is not intriguing; it's just really fucking alarming.  READ:  Not sexy.  Not fun.  ALARMING.

When a man honks at me & I turn to look at him, it's not to check him out.  Oh, no.  Not at all.  I'm not wondering whether or not he's good looking or has a snazzy car.  What I am thinking is more along the lines of:  "Many thanks, Sir Honks-A-Lot, for scaring the ever-loving shit out of me.  I hope you drive straight off a cliff."

#2 - Crude Commentary

Telling a woman that she has a "nice rack" falls nicely into this category.  (Surprisingly, I've actually been told this, even though what I've got is so miniscule it's hardly even a spice rack.)  Men will sometimes say this to women quite casually, as if it's completely normal to comment on strangers' body parts as they wander past you.  ("Hey, sweet ears!  I'll bet you can hear really well with those suckers!")

If you see a female and find yourself wanting to say, "Nice rack," do yourself a favor.  Lower your eyes to her feet and say, "Nice shoes."  I think you'll find this yields far better results.

#3 - The Long Stare

The long stare goes something like this.  A man and a woman walk towards each other, but instead of continuing on his path and walking past her as is customary, the man pulls to the side, stops, and watches her pass.  (Note:  for this act to be performed properly, the man should wear an extremely smarmy look on his face.)  

Blech.  Just blech.  And...ew.  Seriously.  Do not do this.  It is beyond creepy. 

The woman you're ogling is not going to ogle you back, nor is she flattered by said ogling.  At best, she thinks you're a jerk.  At worst, she's thinking about Ted Bundy and Arial Castro while trying to recall every man-destroying move she learned in self-defense class.

Here our trainers demonstrate a super-fun eye-gouging technique

That's all for now.  I believe, if we work together, we can build a future free from roadside terror, eye-gouging, and groin-smashing.  Doesn't that sound like a pleasant tomorrow?