You Know Me - I Live To Serve

Here I am!

Yesterday I was hiking with my dog Libby, and we ended up traveling much farther than I had intended.  This sort of thing happens to me on a regular basis, given my utter lack of a sense of direction and extreme difficulty comprehending whatever maps are trying to tell me.  I didn't mind the extended walk, but I hadn't brought any water for Libby, and by about mile 6 or 7, she was panting pretty hard.

Thankfully, we soon arrived at a lakeside, and I stopped so Libby could take a drink.  Libby was definitely interested in the lake water, but it was just out of her reach, so I decided to be a super helpful owner and hold her back end while she lapped up the water.  This maneuvering worked for approximately 2 seconds before my foot slipped and SPLOOSH!  Into the lake Libby went.

Now my Libby is not a water dog.  Other than utilizing it for drinking purposes, she pretty much wants nothing whatsoever to do with water.  Therefore, she was quite despondent about this state of affairs.  She rocketed herself out of the lake instantaneously and then looked at me with a stony gaze that said, quite simply, "I don't even know you anymore."

Even now, she won't deign to look at me

This was certainly not the first time in my life that an attempt at benevolence had unintended, calamitous results.  In fact, as a wet, cranky Libby and I continued our walk along the trail yesterday, I recalled three such events which, despite the fact that they occurred several years ago, still cause stomach cramps when I recall them.  And here they are, in chronological order:

#1 - Throw Dad's Money To The Wind

When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I was traveling in the back of my dad's convertible with my dad driving and his friend Roy sitting shotgun.  My dad had a check in an envelope and was looking for a secure place to store it once we hit the highway and picked up speed, so I offered to hold it for him.  Before he handed it to me, he said, "This check is for a lot of money.  Be careful.  Hold onto it tightly."  He handed me the envelope.

Because I was a sarcastic little shit even way back then, as soon as I had the envelope in my hand, I said, "So I shouldn't do this?" and waved the envelope haphazardly in the air, intending only to startle my dad but maintain a firm grip on the envelope.  However, the wind had a different idea and immediately whisked the envelope right out of my hand.

Ha ha!  Um...oops.

My dad and Roy spent about the next hour searching the side of the highway for the missing envelope, which, thankfully, they did find.  I offered to assist in the search, but my dad declined, stating that it was too dangerous.  However, in retrospect, he probably didn't want me to "help" because he had just learned that his daughter sucks at helping.  So instead I curled up into a ball of patheticness in the back of the car, thinking about what a little turd I'd turned out to be.

#2 - Get That Batterer To The Altar

In my early-20s, I was the coordinator of a batterers' intervention program.  In that position, I was charged not only to work with the charming men who'd been arrested for beating their partners, but also to have regular contact with the victims of the crimes they had perpetrated.

One day I met with the girlfriend of a man in my program.  She explained to me that her partner was continually accusing her of being interested in other men and stepping out on him.  She said, "I know his ex-girlfriend cheated on him, but I'm not her!  I would never do that, but he just won't trust me."

The next day, that very guy came to my office.  He said that he knew his girlfriend had met with me the day before, and she'd told him it was helpful talking to me, so he wanted to try it out, too.  He talked ad nauseam about the trouble he was having trusting her, although she'd never given him any cause to doubt her loyalty.  I asked him if he remembered what I'd talked about regarding trust during our last group session.  He didn't (what a surprise!), so I reiterated the message:  if you find that you cannot trust your partner, for whatever reason, then you should not be with that person, because you will try to control her, and that is abusive.  I spoke for quite awhile about the fact that he needed to address his trust issues, and until he was able to move past them, he probably shouldn't be in an intimate relationship.

A few nights later, that guy asked to speak during our group session.  I gave him the floor, and here is what he said:  "You guys should listen to Kelly.  I had a meeting with her the other day, and she told me I just needed to trust my girl, so you know what I did?  Yesterday I took her out to Little Palm Island, and I married her!"

Communication breakdoooown!

As one, all of the other men in the group spun around to witness my thinly-veiled, horrified expression. One of them even burst out laughing and then said, "Is that what you had in mind, Kelly?"

A few months later, that guy was arrested, once again, for domestic violence.  Nice work, Al.

#3 - Memories?  Who Needs Those?

A few years ago, my mother, sister, and I took a trip to England to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday.  Throughout our amazing adventure, my mom and I tag teamed taking pictures.  Since we each had a camera, whenever we encountered a photo op, one of us would snap the picture, and that way, between the two of us, we captured all of our fabulous experiences.

On the last day of our trip, my mom's camera lost its ability to focus.  She tried changing some of the settings, but nothing seemed to work.  Therefore, I offered to help.  (Uh-oh - cue The Doom Song!)

I fiddled around with the camera until it asked me if I wanted to reformat it.  Hmmm, I thought, that sounds like a good idea!  Who couldn't use a little reformatting?  So I said - sure!  Go ahead and get reformatted!  

Are you sure? the camera asked.  

But of course! I replied confidently.

And that is precisely how I erased all of my mom's pictures.  Every.  Single.  One.

Shut up, Nelson.

In conclusion, folks, if you ever find yourself needing assistance, and I offer to provide it, be afraid.  You should probably save yourself the headache and just take a pass.