Poop On A Plate

A couple of years ago I was playing the game Loaded Questions with my family and the following question was asked:  "What should never be considered art?"  The players wrote down their responses and handed them to my cousin, who then had the distinct honor of reading our answers:

1. Poop on a plate
2. Poop in a jar
3. My midriff
4. Shit

I hope the artist was paid big for this fine example of poop on a plate

The phrase "poop on a plate" has really resonated with me.  In a more global or generalized way, I now think of poop on a plate whenever I am faced with something that I am expected to accept, despite the fact that it is absolutely absurd.  When thought of this way, poop on a plate is a concept much like "the Emperor's new clothes," except that it is way more fun to say.


Right now I'm watching the NBA Finals with my husband.  I very rarely watch television, and whenever I do, I remember why.  However, this experience is giving me an opportunity to view many fine examples of poop on a plate.  Here are a select few:

• Drinking a particular kind of soda will cause models to burst into a spontaneous roller skate dance party all around you
• Certain body sprays will cause hordes of gorgeous women to lose their minds and want nothing more than to fuck you immediately, even if you are the biggest tool on Earth
• Everyone should sincerely give a shit what lycopene is
• "Comfort" is actually a material thing, so the claim "Now Coated With 25% More Comfort" totally makes sense
• There is nothing more exciting to a woman than wiping down a kitchen counter with a super-effective new antibacterial cleaner
• If you are not connected to the internet via some glowing rectangular device at all times, your life is probably not worth living
• Feeding your child food from McDonald's is a really good idea
• Minivans can be cool
• You don't have to be mindful of your overall nutrition or exercise regularly to be healthy; you only have to eat or drink very specific items that will overhaul your whole system.  How awesome is that??

"Pomegranate juice:  An excellent alternative to suicide"

American news media also contains copious examples of poop on a plate.  Cases in point:

• 367 hours of royal wedding coverage
• Endless, relentless pundit jibber jabber
• PTSD-inducing 24/7 coverage of national and international catastrophes.  This usually goes on for about 4 days, and then the event is completely, conveniently forgotten by everyone who doesn't live within 20 miles of the disaster site.
• Rush Limbaugh.  Rush Limbaugh is the embodiment of poop on a  plate.  Sarah Palin is as well.  They are two big, fat plate poops.
• Headlines like:  "Jennifer Lopez Stunning In Red Satin."  Actually, entertainment news as a whole is poop on a plate.  We've all seen countless headlines offering to reveal celebrities' hair, diet, fashion, and exercise "secrets."  You really want to know the secret?  Here it is, folks:  thousands of people are paid millions of dollars to get celebrities to look that way...and then they're airbrushed.  Okay?  Mystery solved.  Jesus Christ.  Anything having to do with celebrity homes, legal problems, "baby bumps," marital issues, or anything else about their lives is also poop on a plate.

I DON'T CARE!

In conclusion, I encourage all of you, as consumers of resources and information, to avoid consuming poop on a plate, because...well, that's just gross.  Just because someone shows you a pile of poop on a plate and tells you it's worth 20 million dollars doesn't mean you have to believe it, much less purchase it.  You should feel free simply to smile sweetly and respond, "You can't fool me.  That's a bunch of crap."

Look - even this guy is laughing at us