My Dog is Better Than Your Honor Student

As I get older, I am consistently amazed by how obsessed humans are with breeding. I feel no need to breed. I have dogs and tattoos instead; those are my versions of commitment and permanency. And since dogs are one of my favorite species, and humans are around #4823 on that list of faves, they are the perfect alternative beings to devote my time, energy, and resources to.

Here are just a handful of the thousands of reasons why dogs are better than children:

• It takes about two weeks to potty train them.
• They don't go to college, so there's no need to save money for that eventuality. If someone says my dog is smart, I just think, "Cool," instead of, "Shit.  How much is this kid's education going to end up costing me?"
• In infancy, they do not look like aliens or underdeveloped, human larvae. They are adorable.
• When they're being difficult, or when you just don't feel like dealing with them, you can put them in a crate.
• You only need to teach a dog the following things:  sit; stay; lie down; come; go potty.  Here is what you need to teach human children about:

• They don't talk back. In fact, they don't talk at all. Nor do they scream incessantly for no apparent reason.
• They are absolutely thrilled with everything you do.
• They don't grow out of their clothes or shoes, because they don't wear clothes or shoes.
• It takes them a few days to learn how to walk, instead of an entire fucking year.
• They don't enter the world by exploding out of your body. You just go pick them up somewhere.
• They don't complain about their food. They are overjoyed with each cup of dry kibble you drop into their bowls.
• You really don't have to worry about them being dog-napped or dog-molested.
• When they get sick, they don't share their illnesses with you.
• They will never tell you that they hate you, you're stupid, or they wish they'd never been born.
• They can scare away burglars.
• You don't have to explain any rules to them; you can just say, "No!" They also don't throw temper tantrums when they're disciplined. They just tuck their tails between their legs and look pathetic.
• They are 100% loyal and love unconditionally.

In short, dogs rule. I think it's absurd when people tell me they don't like dogs because dogs poop. Um, hello? All animals poop. Babies poop, pee, spit up, and flat out puke all over their parents, but you never hear people say, "I don't like babies because they poop." Well...people besides me, that is. Babies shit out of their diapers and all the way up their backs. Now THAT is disgusting.