It's Good to Have Goals

I have a new life goal, and that is to emulate the amazing, millimeter-long tardigrade. This fascinating little beast currently holds the title for Al's Favorite Creature.

"I'm gonna shoot you with my little tank nose."

Not only are tardigrades ridiculously cute, but they're also totally badass. As Wikipedia tells us: "Tardigrades can withstand temperatures from just above absolute zero to well above the boiling point of water, pressures about 6 times stronger than pressures found in the deepest ocean trenches, ionizing radiation at doses hundreds of times higher than would kill a person, and the vacuum of outer space. They can go without food or water for nearly 120 years, drying out to the point where they are 3% or less water, only to rehydrate, forage, and reproduce."  

Wow! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

I don't think I'm the only person who is enamored of the tardigrade. In fact, I believe someone created the Ostrich Pillow in an attempt to make humans resemble the beloved creature.
 

Because really, why else would this thing exist?

If I had to sit next to this guy on a plane, I would laugh myself to death.

In lieu of being like a tardigrade, just in case that turns out to be impossible, I would like to emulate Special Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks, in all of his classy, hilarious, clever, unflappable, free spirited glory.

Agent Cooper and I already have quite a bit in common. He's calm in a crisis. He loves nature. He's adventurous ("Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange"). He understands the power of a good cup of coffee.

Agent Cooper regularly practices yoga, explaining the benefits like so: "The pain retreats to a cul-de-sac in a distant suburb of my conscious mind." I also practice yoga, and it just so happens that I grew up on a suburban cul-de-sac. Coincidence? I think not!  I'm telling you, we're practically twins already. We even use the same earplugs. ("Diane, it's 6:42 a.m. Rough sleep. Dreamt I was eating a large, tasteless gumdrop. I awoke to realize I was aggressively munching on one of my air pillow silicone earplugs. Hence the tastelessness.")

Best earplugs ever.  Not so good for eating, though.

(Just as an aside...Agent Cooper's gumdrop dream reminds me of a dream my friend had right after she got her wisdom teeth out. She dreamt she was eating a giant bowl of garlic mashed potatoes, then awoke to discover the post-surgery gauze halfway down her throat.)

Agent Cooper has taught me many things through his overt awesomeness. For example, he taught me what to say in the face of praise, which is something that has always been a challenge for me: "I am honored beyond my ability to express myself." Perfect!

I adore Dale Cooper.

But not this much.

My first step towards meeting this goal is to find my own version of Agent Cooper's Diane. I already have a wonderful friend named Diane, but I very much doubt that she would want to listen to endless recordings of my daily activities (e.g., "Diane, I am now upside down"). Maybe I'll start recording all of my thoughts and observations, anyway, and just pretend that I have a Diane who's listening and responding to them. I think I'll call my Diane "Jacques." 

"Jacques, I have just returned from walking the dogs. It's a hot one today. Remind me to tell you about the one-eyed squirrel that observed our passage from the high branches of a Douglas Fir. I am quite certain it was trying to tell me something. Many thanks for sending the Grand Marnier-filled bonbons as requested in my last communication."

How random is this??

So yes, between the two options, I think it would probably be easier to model myself after Dale Cooper, rather than a minuscule polyextremophile. However, I plan to forgo the get-possessed-by-an-evil-entity-and-smash-my-head-into-a-mirror part of emulating Agent Cooper. Because that wouldn't be very cool at all.