Clowns Are Mofos

For several years, I have proudly displayed the above sticker on the bumper of my car.  Most people who see it probably think, "Ah, yes - another one of those town/region stickers," and then merrily go about their days.  I'm certain the majority of them don't bother straining their eyes to see that CAM actually stands for CLOWNS ARE MOFOS.  Which they totally are.  Fuck clowns.

No one likes clowns.  I firmly believe this.  I don't think clowns even like themselves.  How could they?  What's to like?  The gaudy, oversized clothes and shoes?  The horribly terrifying "I'll-giggle-while-killing-you" makeup?  The completely unfunny acts of crushing themselves into tiny cars or fake tripping & falling?  No.  The only positive thing clowns do is get mauled by bulls.  Now THAT is funny.  Everything else they do is inexcusably revolting.

I realize it's a little ridiculous to be 37 years old and afraid of clowns.  In fact, lately I've been hearing from various peers that their school-aged children share my fear.  "My six year-old told me today that he's afraid of clowns, too!" I guess I should be embarrassed, but I'm not.  I just think those kids are incredibly intuitive.  They understand that clowns are only pretending to be fun-loving and innocent, when what they truly want is to squirt us with acid stored in the fake flowers on their lapels, or pull machetes out of their baggy pants and chop our heads off, or simply grab us & eat our faces.  You know what would've made Hannibal Lecter even scarier?  A goddamn red, rubber nose.

"Can't sleep.  Clown'll eat me."

Recently, I was texting with my friend's nine year-old about our mutual fear of those wretched clown creatures, and we had the following exchange:

Her:  "The biggest fear I have is a boat filled with spiders driven by a clown with NO CANDY."

Me:  "My biggest fear is a shark who is also a doctor, and he's wearing clown makeup!"

Her:  "I would be so scared if he was on the spider clown boat with no candy.  I would definitely not go there for vacation."

I'm glad we could share such legitimate concerns.  It reminded me of a conversation I had with my sister several years ago regarding my husband's fear of bridges.  It went like this:

Sister:  "How will he deal with living in Portland?  Aren't there a million bridges?"

Me:  "Well, he's gonna have to get over that.  It's silly, anyway.  He thinks he's going to drive off the side or something."

Sister:  "Why would he do that?  Besides, even if he tried, there are barriers to prevent it."

Me:  "I know.  It's completely irrational.  Now a fear of clowns, on the other hand, is totally justified, because clowns kill people all the time."

Sister:  "Yes.  Excellent point."    

The lesser-known conclusion to FDR's famous statement

Clowns are evil.  They should be illegal.  At best, they galumph around like hideous simpletons in floppy shoes and are wholly unfunny.  At worst, they want to cannibalize us.  It's true.  Ask anyone, except for a clown.  Never trust a clown.  They only want to kill you.

And so, in conclusion:

Because the only good clown...

Seriously, though, I really hate those mofos.