America, The Gingerbread Man

Unfortunately, in the USA, we have just entered another presidential election year.


While I do my best to avoid political yammering, recently I've heard a great deal of nonsense from yucky people who claim to love America. When I hear their claims, I find myself confused, because *I* love America (or rather, the United States of America; I'm not overly familiar with the other Americas, although I've heard nice things), and yet I tend to believe I have little in common with these 'Murica-lovin' yahoos.


This strange situation has gotten me thinking about what it means to love America. What are the American people made of? What do we value, and what is there to love about this country? Therefore, I have decided to map out exactly what I believe Americans love about America, and the canvas for my map will be this cute little gingerbread dude:

I am America!

[As I lead us through the mapping process, please keep in mind that I am aware the USA is flawed. While outlining the reasons why America is lovable, I will utilize broad, sweeping generalizations that may, in fact, be founded primarily on myth. But try to stay with me here.]


As Americans, we have the right to think what we want. This can lead to inventions, brand new theories about existence and the universe, and annoying, drunken debates at parties. While there are all sorts of devious entities working to manipulate our thought processes, we ultimately have the freedom to think however we choose. And that's a nice thing. Here it is on the gingerbread map:

Americans love their freedom of speech. Unfortunately, freedom of speech can lead to people saying dumb and hateful things, but it also allows for other people to inform the haters exactly where they can stick their dumb opinions. For obvious reasons, I will place our love for freedom of speech right on the mouth:

Yay, I can say dumb things! And you can tell me to shut the fuck up!

Americans are adventurous. We enjoy and find value in exploring new lands, seas, and solar systems.  We travel widely and bless the world with our Americanness. Ah ha ha ha ha...anyway, I'll put America's love of adventure on the little guy's feet:

This cookie was made for walkin'.

There is, in the heart of America, a desire to help those in need. We send both funds and ourselves to other places in times of crisis. We work to protect endangered species, rainforests, and other vulnerable stuff. In short, we care. [Except for those of us who don't, but let's not think about those people right now.] The gingerbread man's little helping hand will symbolize that aspect of America:

America values creativity, and we demonstrate this through our fashion, music, movies, and other forms of art. A lot of it is horrible, but whatchagonnado? One man's poop on a plate is another man's masterpiece.

Only creative gingerbread men have snazzy bow ties.

Here is the part of the map signifying America's love for Strawberry Shortcake:

???

[Okay, that came out of nowhere. Really I just have a bunch of Strawberry Shortcake stickers and am trying to get rid of them. I'm not implying that Americans don't love Strawberry Shortcake. I just don't think that our love for her is intricately woven into the fabric of this country.]


America has created brand new industries (then promptly shipped them overseas) and is a country of workers (or at least people who are looking for work). Whoops...I think my rose-colored glasses must've slipped off. Just a moment, please...


America is a country of workers! We are an industrious bunch, continually building, developing, sitting at desks doing God-knows-what, marketing, manufacturing...uh, sewing, and...um, cobbling, and doing other stuff. I utilized the gingerbread man's buttons to symbolize American industriousness because somehow that seemed appropriate:

Americans love their families and are committed to humanity. We love our friends, totally care about our neighbors (what were their names again?), and appreciate diversity, as long as it doesn't make us too uncomfortable. The gingerbread man's little purple heart will signify this commitment:

Finally, we come to a part of America that some people love, and it is this part that distinguishes me from the sociopathic politicos I've had the misfortune to hear speak lately. It is an aspect of Americanism I don't associate with, but I also realize that, unlike Strawberry Shortcake, it is indeed something that is woven into the fabric of the USA. That part is this: In America, some people have the ability to accumulate and hoard huge amounts of wealth, which they then utilize for their own grossly excessive personal gain.


I'll put that part right where it belongs:

I call this America's anus.


America's anus doles out a lot of crap, both crap we have to deal with in this country and crap we get overseas. People who love America's anus will do anything to accumulate wealth, even if it means building a gigantic fortress from the skulls of babies, puppies, and endangered species. For whatever reason, it is vital for them to amass as much of the world's resources as possible, and they can take it with them, goddammit it, so don't tell them they can't or they'll send their teams of lawyers after you.


As a rule, I try to have limited contact with buttholes, so while I maintain my love for the USA, I will do so without paying homage to its anus. I'll leave that to our nation's wealth addicts. I just wish we had some form of methadone to wean them off the green stuff, as the harmfulness of their addiction radiates outwards, squishing all in its path.


If I were President, I would end this post as follows:


"God bless you, and God bless the United States of America, even its anus. Because I guess shit needs to come out somewhere."