Puritanism Is Not Serene

Right now my life is in a strange, in-between place.  In a few months, I'll move across the country, and everything will be new and different.  But until that happens, I don't have much going on, and this state of affairs is quite weird and uncomfortable.  Ordinarily I feel like a pretty productive person.  Lately I've felt about as productive as a sack of slugs.

All of my metaphorical toys are stuck under my figurative refrigerator

My idle mind, in the long-term, is not a very pleasant place.  For the first few weeks of unstructured existence, it says, "Hooray for free time!  Focus!  Be disciplined!  Work on your books!  Envision your future!  Count your blessings!"  But come week four, it turns more to thoughts like:  "Why aren't humans better?  Why are we complicit in our own oppression?  Why is mortality so fucking depressing?"  When I tell myself to stop thinking that way and focus only on things I can control, my mind shifts immediately to:  "What if every single one of my decisions turns out to be a huge mistake??"  And believe it or not, that's not a fun mind space to occupy.  I need some goddamn distractions.

Because of the nagging Puritan work ethic provided by a New England upbringing, my current state of non-productivity is torturous.  I find myself searching for messes just so I can clean them up.  "Oh, look!  Six unwashed towels.  Should probably do a load of laundry.  Uh-oh, there's a dish in the sink.  Better wash it.  And then clean the floor.  And then re-clean it."

As much as I'm trying not to be bored, I've got to admit that I'm getting pretty damn bored.  It doesn't help that I've heard people say, "Only boring people get bored."  What a shitty expression.  Like it's not bad enough fighting boredom without having to question my character and self-identity.  But I know I'm not really a boring person.  I just don't have a whole lot going on right now.  Whenever someone offers me an opportunity to be productive, I pounce on it like a drowning person clinging to a raft for dear life.  "Ask me to do something!  I'll take care of your kids!  I'll re-shingle your roof!  I'll help you across the street, even if you're clearly capable of doing it yourself!  Just PLEASE let me be useful!"

I ask only for a sense of purpose.  Thank you.

A few days ago, I turned to the internet for some ideas on how to tackle boredom, and I discovered this marvelous quote:

"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is."

Ah, serenity.  So easy to define.  So hard to achieve.

I love that.  It's as if the author - Thomas Szasz - is offering me permission to be still and appreciate existence instead of looking around frantically and thinking, AAAAAHHHH!!!!  I'm having no impact!  I have no right to live!  I should burn myself at the stake!  Sometimes, having no impact is fine.  Fuck the Puritans.  What a bunch of jerks.
 
As it turns out, Thomas Szasz not only has an awesomely-spelled name AND shared a birthday with my cat Sid, but he also said lots of of other smart things, such as:

• "Clear thinking requires courage, not intelligence."

• "The stupid neither forgive nor forget.  The naive forgive and forget.  The wise forgive but do not forget."

And, probably my favorite:  

• "Doubt is to certainty as neurosis is to psychosis.  The neurotic is in doubt and has fears about persons and things; the psychotic has convictions and makes claims about them.  In short, the neurotic has problems, the psychotic has solutions."

This bear, for example, probably has some really good, definitive ideas.

So now I feel like I did something productive - learned about someone I'd never heard of and the interesting things he believed - while simultaneously being reminded of the value of serenity.  That seems like a nice balance.  I think I've discovered something profound from my introduction to Thomas Szasz, and that is this:  when in doubt, turn to radical, Hungarian psychiatrists.  In my experience thus far, that strategy works 100% of the time.