Dogs v. Fleas

As I prepare to leave the west coast and move back to the time zone of my youth, I've been thinking about the friendships I'd like to cultivate in my new environment.  I've had lots of different friends over the years, many of whom fall into the wonderful FRIENDS! group (as in:  HOORAY FOR FRIENDS!), and others that have landed squarely in a category I've come to know as "friends" (when referring to these folks, I tend to make those little quotey signs with my fingers).

In my formative years, I clung to friends as one adrift at sea clings to a flotation device.  I believe this was due to my introversion.  I feared that, if I let a friend go, I would need to make a new friend...which would have meant speaking to people, and that prospect was wholly unpleasant.  So I worked diligently to hold onto all of my friends, even the super crappy ones.

These days, I realize there are worse things than being friendless (e.g., having crappy friends), and that the universe has provided a healthy distraction for introverts who don't want to deal with bad friends.  That distraction is called books.  Even the crappiest book is better than a crappy friend. 

After years of friendships, I've come up with a simple way to distinguish between good friends and crap friends.  Let's start with good friends, because that will fill us with warm, squishy feelings of happiness.

Good friends are like dogs.  They've got your back.  They've seen you at your best and worst, and they love you for all of it.  They may growl when you do something wrong, but they'll soon forgive your misstep.  They don't hold grudges.  And they get excited every time they see you.  

Maintaining a relationship with a good friend, as with a dog, isn't complicated.  The rules are simple.  With a dog, it looks like this:

• You provide food
• Dog provides protection (and/or cool tricks, general adorableness, etc.)
• Both parties provide walks and snuggles
• All is right with the world

Similarly, rules for good friends look like this:

• Listen to each other
• Laugh together
• Give a shit about each other's lives
• :)

See?  Easy peasy.  It's not rocket science, or phlebotomy, or any of those other things I know nothing about (which = lots of things).  I love my dog friends (and my dogs).  They make everything in life better.
 

Good friendships look like this.  Let's assume the dog's getting at least a little airflow.

Then there are crap friends.

Crap friends are like fleas.  They bite, and they suck.  They offer nothing besides a slow, steady reduction of your energy.  And once they've infested your life, it can be really hard to get rid of them. 

Interestingly, even though they're feeding off of you, fleas don't actually care about you, and they don't need to, because once you've been sucked dry or (best case scenario) managed to dislodge them, they simply find another victim to drain.  That's why, when flicking them off, you may want to consider aiming for a toilet bowl or open flame, thereby sparing any future, unsuspecting victims.

Given the stark contrast between these two species, it should be of no surprise that dogs and fleas don't have much respect for one another.  Fleas just want to drain dogs, and dogs want to obliterate fleas.  A Valley Girl would explain this phenomenon as follows:  "Dogs are all, 'You suck, fleas,' and the fleas are all like, 'Whatever, losers.'"

I've had flea friends, and I never want another one.  They are worse than useless.  Even after you successfully remove them, they leave itchy sores behind.  Therefore, I'm looking forward to cultivating dog-like companions in my new town.  But just to be on the safe side, I'll make sure to get myself a library card soon after my arrival, as libraries contain thousands of those marvelous alternatives to fleas.

In fact, I believe this could very well be my new BFF