The FAQ Soiree

That's me in the red

One of my favorite things about getting older is the fact that, as each day passes, I give less and less of a shit what anyone thinks about me.  I find this state of mind to be tremendously liberating and fabulous.

Now that I am rapidly approaching my 37th birthday, I finally feel completely comfortable identifying as an antisocial introvert.  Several years ago I thought I was ready to begin openly self-identifying in that way, but when I tried it out with a friend of mine, she informed me that my proclamation was "a real asshole thing to say."  After receiving that feedback, I decided I should continue attempting, or at least pretending, to be a quasi-normal individual, readily able to tolerate regular fraternization with fellow members of my species.


However, apparently now I am officially old enough that I can't even bring myself to care what my friends might think, because lately I've found myself making statements (out loud, mind you, not just in my head) such as:

• No, I don't want to go to that festival/parade/gathering.  There will be far too many humans there, and I hate humans.
• No, I don't listen to talk radio.  I don't want to hear people talking.  I just want them to shut the fuck up.
• No, I don't want to go out.  I would prefer to stay home with my dogs and stare at the wall.
• Stop making sounds.  Seriously.  All of you need to stop making sounds.  Immediately.  Thank you.

Ah, yes.  It feels great.

Quite naturally, then, I am not a fan of parties.  In fact, when I hear the word "party," particularly when being invited to one, I tend to have a mild panic attack while simultaneously becoming extremely irritated ("WHY would you invite me to a party when you KNOW it's gonna give me a panic attack??").  Sure, it's a different story when the party involves some sort of activity, like dancing or roping cattle, but when the event is labeled simply as a generic "party," that's when Al's heart palpitations begin in earnest.

I would merrily attend this party, however.

Unfortunately, parties happen all the fucking time.  People love parties.  They seem to live for creating and attending these panic-attack-inducing events.  I envision them cackling evilly and sticking pins into a voodoo doll resembling me whilst engaging in their complicated party-planning endeavors.


Small talk is, in my humble opinion, one of the most tragic components of non-activity-based parties.  I find it both painful and pointless, which is a dastardly combination.  Therefore, since I understand that parties are going to continue existing despite my protestations, I have recently come up with a party concept that would eliminate small talk.  Under the conditions of my party model, those gathered would have no need to have dozens of similar, introductory conversations in a row.  In order to avoid the p-word altogether, I will call this new model The FAQ Soiree.

Where's the soiree at, yo?

Here's how it works.  You receive an invitation.  If you RSVP with a "yes," the host then sends you a short questionnaire to complete and bring along with you to the soiree.  The questionnaire could include, but is not limited to, the following inquiries:

1. What is your name?  If it is an unusual name, please provide some background information (i.e., cultural significance; hippie parents; etc.).
2. How do you know the host(s) of this gathering?
3. What do you do for work?  What do you enjoy about your work?  What sucks about it?
4. Are you from this area?  If not, what brought you here?  If so, what's kept you here?
5. What do you think about this weather we've been having lately?
6. What is your opinion about [latest political thing going on]?
7. What is your opinion about [latest random celebrity gossip]?
8. What is your opinion about [latest national or international tragedy]?
9. What did you think about [current blockbuster movie]?
10. Do you have children?  Pets?  Do you like them?

At the soiree, you will not be permitted to huddle in tight clusters with people you already know.  Instead, you are expected to wander around until you come into contact with an unfamiliar soiree-goer.  At that point, you will exchange and review one another's FAQ sheets.  That way, you'll know all the random bits of bullshit that people deem necessary to know about one another when first meeting, but without having to ask or answer the same dumb questions over and over. 


After completing this process, you and your partner have the task of thinking of something to talk about that has nothing to do with the basic information you've just read.  You may choose to talk about something on a large scale, like:  "In the race towards ultimate enlightenment or ultimate destruction, where do you believe humanity will arrive first?" or something on a small scale, like:  "What do you think is going on with that spider over there?"  Since you will already know, for example, that your new pal has three kids and likes them just fine, instead of asking whether or not he or she has kids, you could ask something more interesting such as:  "Do you think a child's first word carries any long-term significance?" or:  "Do you think your kid would make a good President?  Farmer?  Psychic?  Police officer?  Why or why not?"


I believe that the FAQ Soiree would be the perfect remedy for party blahs.  Random gatherings could go from this:

to this:

This shark is totally smiling at you

I know, very random.  But I did a Google Image search for "fascinating," and the shark picture really spoke to me.