Modern Day Neanderthals

For someone who appreciates thoughtful, community-minded individuals who regularly utilize at least a basic level of intelligence, sports bars can be somewhat problematic.  They can also be excellent fodder for blog topics, such as:

You Might Be a Neanderthal If...

• You laugh hysterically at beer commercials.  Even if the same commercial has been aired during every single break (and there are a bazillion breaks), you laugh at each viewing with the same manic intensity, as if it's your first time all over again.  [This is also a sign that you might be a goldfish.]

Okay, it was sort of funny the first time...except not really.

• You yell, "Whip 'em out!" whenever you see young, attractive females on TV.  These females could be engaged in any number of activities (e.g., watching a sporting event; driving a car; testifying at a murder trial) and will all receive the same request to bare their bosoms.

Whip 'em out?  You got it, Pal.

[Quasi-tangential side note:  Have you ever been in a crowd of people and suddenly wished you had the world's most gigantic scythe, so that you could lop off all of their heads in one fell swoop?  But I digress...]

• To express your most passionate emotions - such as joy that your team has succeeded, anger that the opposing team has succeeded, joy that the opposing team has failed, or anger that the refs are blatantly discriminating against your team - you hoot, pound your chest, growl, jump up and down, and scream.  Seriously.  You actually do these things.  It's really something special.

What do you mean, pass interference?  I'll kill you!  I'll kill your whole family!

• After your team wins, or loses, you respond by going on a violent rampage, which could include any or all of the following activities:  beating people until they are hospitalized or dead; setting your town/city on fire; looting local businesses; tipping over cars (perhaps even your own).

Yay!  We won the Super Bowl!

If this sounds like you, take heart - there are millions of others like you sitting in sports bars everywhere, grunting, chugging crap beer, and throwing poop.  Just try to avoid anyone carrying a giant scythe, and you should be fine.