Signs of Aging

Whenever I tell my husband that I'm starting to feel old, he says, "Well, this is the oldest you've ever been.  And the youngest you'll ever be."  While he apparently has a very matter-of-fact way of looking at this issue, my way is more like this:  AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

While dying doesn't particularly concern me, I am not looking forward to the steady, inevitable deterioration that occurs during the march towards death.  And despite the fact that I try to tell myself 35 is still relatively young, lately I have been noticing several tell-tale signs which lead me to believe that I am, in fact, getting old.

Here I am with my husband

How to know you're getting old:

• Your peers have begun listening to talk radio. And discussing it with one another.
• Your friends' kids aren't babies anymore.  They're in middle school and speak 3 languages.
• You don't understand why the music in the restaurant/bar has to be so goddamn loud.
• At the end of a tough week, rather than going out partying, you reward yourself by being in bed by 9:30.



zzzzzzzz...

• You are baffled by the stupid things that young people talk about with their peers.  Meanwhile, the following topics have begun dominating your conversations with peers:  physical ailments and treatment options; retirement/insurance plans; supermarket comparisons; mortgage rates; nutrition (fiber; calcium; supplements; etc.); school districts; global politics; talk radio; gardening.
• Bands you used to mosh to are now playing at posh, sit-down venues.  [Case in point:  I recently saw Primus at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall in Portland.  The last time I'd seen Primus had been at Lollapalooza in 1993, which brings me to my next bullet point...]
• When you think about the last time you did something, it was almost 20 years ago.

This is also from 1993.  Good God, I am so damn old.

• After you have thoroughly cleaned and organized your house, you look at the job you've done and think:  Dude.  I totally rocked it.  [This just happened to me.]
• When people tell you they stayed up all night, you assume they had insomnia.
• You've caught yourself thinking/saying the following things in a non-ironic way:
• Oh, young people these days...
• Today's music is a bunch of crap.
• You have no idea how good you've got it.  When I was your age...
• Teenagers.  They think they know everything.
• Put on a coat!  I'm getting cold just looking at you.

• You find yourself with incapacitating injuries that had virtually no cause (e.g., you sneeze and pinch a nerve in your back; you wake up in the morning with a crick in your neck that causes you to move like Frankenstein's monster all day).
• People with their driver's licenses are less that half your age.  When you see them behind the wheel, your first instinct is to call the police.

Yeah.  He should totally be driving.

• Although you thought you had several years of experience with sex, drugs, and music, you discover that you are no longer an authority on these things and actually know nothing about them.  This fact becomes evident when you attempt to discuss any of these topics with young people, and they respond by rolling their eyes.
• You have an alphabetized spice cabinet.
• You realize that your parents and teachers, who seemed positively ancient when you were a young child, were younger back then than you are now.  And when you open your mouth, things they used to say mysteriously come tumbling out.
• The devices needed to listen to your old music collection are no longer being manufactured.

And there you have it, folks.  If you have noticed these same signs in your life, congratulations - you're old like me!  Now could you please pass me a bran muffin and turn on the radio?  There's a discussion on potential permaculture advances in a post-bin Laden world that I don't want to miss.  Thanks.