Statistically Speaking...

Since we all know that 63% of statistics are just made up on the spot (or was it 54%?), I figured I would generate...I mean share a list of lesser-known, but highly important and thought-provoking, statistics about humans.

1.  Americans who are big fatty boombalatties:  47%

He's smiling now, but he probably won't feel so good following his quadruple bypass.  We laugh about what a fat country we've become, but after we all keel over and die from heart disease, hypertension, cancer, or just because we couldn't squeeze out of a window to escape a fire, the only people laughing will be...well, those in every other country on the planet.  America has become a great example of what NOT to do.  "See all of this excess food at your fingertips?  Try NOT eating all of it at once."

2.  Farts suppressed or disguised by girls:  92%

3.  Farts suppressed or disguised by boys:  8%

What is it with the weird male v. female farting disparity?  Guess what, folks:  girls get gas.  I for one am a Master Gas Passer.  At least every other day I hear my husband remark, "Jesus.  Was that you?"  But we are expected to act like we don't fart, or poop, or have B.O.  Fuck all that.  I am a human, humans stink, and so do I.  So there.

4.  Americans who have educated themselves about the viability of trickle-down economics:  4%

5.  Americans who would gleefully shoot someone who disagrees with the viability of trickle-down economics:  49%

6.  Teenagers who think adults are borderline retarded:  93%

 7.  Adults who fear & loathe (and conveniently have no memory of what they were like as) teenagers:  93%

Poor teens, and poor adults.  They could be such wonderful allies for one another, but instead they descend to complete douchebaggery in their interpersonal dealings.  I had countless interactions much like this one when I supervised adult mentors for teens in foster care:

ME:  So, why isn't he allowed to see his brother anymore?

MENTOR:  Well, the last time they hung out, they said they were going to stay home and watch a movie, but instead they snuck out to the beach and [with horrified expression] got high.

ME:  Huh.  So he's, what, 17?  And his brother is 20?

MENTOR:  Yup.

ME:  Did you have an older sibling?

MENTOR:  Um...yes.

ME:  Do you remember what you did with your older sibling when you were a teenager?

MENTOR:  Uh...

ME:  Did you ever sneak out?  Did you ever get wasted?

MENTOR:  I don't even want to think about what I did.

And therein lies the problem.  Adults repress their teenage memories, teens go into denial about their impending adulthood, and so their coexistence is a big, fat, dysfunctional defense mechanism.  Bummer.

8.  Americans who vote for reality show contestants:  88%

9.  Americans who vote in governmental elections:  42%

10.  Americans who complain about the government:  97%

If you're unwilling to do a goddamn thing about it, folks - not even get off your fat, teenager-hating, trickle-down-defending-but-not-comprehending butt to go vote - then you should probably just shut the fuck up.

And in conclusion, here is a totally rad picture of a fire cat.  It has nothing to do with anything, but it's really pretty.